Zelenskyy started it, but JD Vance finished it

Ukraine propaganda to the left of me, Russian propaganda to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

So, last week was crazy.

In case you missed it, we got a taste of The Real Housewives of Washington, D.C., when Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy (or, as I like to call him, Vloddy) got into a drama-filled screaming match with President of the United States, Donald Trump, and Vice President JD Vance.

Here’s how it went down. First, here’s the clip that immediately went viral:

And here’s the full conversation, because context matters!

And people lost their minds over this — and in some ways, understandably so.

Europe rallied together to massage Zelenskyy’s buttocks, while MAGA rallied together to celebrate “America being back” or something.

Ukraine propaganda to the left of me, Russian propaganda to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

Yes, everyone is wrong.

First, the people who claim that Trump and Vance ambushed Zelenskyy are lying to you.

Let’s take a look at the transcript of the conversation that sparked the eventual explosion.

Donald Trump: “Well, if I didn't align myself with both of them, you'd never have a deal. You want me to say really terrible things about Putin and then say, ‘Hi, Vladimir. How are we doing on the deal?’ That doesn't work that way. I'm not aligned with Putin. I'm not aligned with anybody. I'm aligned with the United States of America, and for the good of the world, I'm aligned with the world, and I want to get this thing over with. You see, the hatred he's [Zelensky] got for Putin, it's very tough for me to make a deal with that kind of hate. He's got tremendous hatred, and I understand that, but I can tell you the other side is not exactly in love with him either. So it's not a question of alignment. I have to I'm aligned with the world. I want to get the thing set. I'm aligned with Europe. I want to see if we can get this thing done. You want me to be tough? I could be tougher than any human being you've ever seen. I'd be so tough, but you're never going to get a deal that way. So that's the way it goes.”

None of this is bad. Then JD Vance steps in.

JD Vance: “I will respond to this. So look, for four years the United States of America, we had a president who stood up at press conferences and talked about Vladimir Putin, and then Putin invaded Ukraine and destroyed a significant chunk of the country. The path to peace and the path to prosperity is maybe engaging in diplomacy. We tried the pathway of Joe Biden, of thumping our chest and pretending that the President of the United States’ words mattered more than the President of the United States' actions. What makes America a good country is America engaging in diplomacy. That's what President Trump is doing.

Again, none of this is bad.

Then, because he’s become far too used to being an adored celebrity on the world political stage, Zelenskyy decides to sound off on the Trump administration on live television.

Volodymyr Zelensky: [to Vance] Can I ask you [something]? Okay, so he occupied big parts of Ukraine, parts of the East and Crimea. So he occupied it on 2013 so during a lot of years, I'm not speaking about just Biden, but in those times there President Obama, then President Trump, then President Biden, now the President Trump. And God bless President Trump will stop him. But during 2013 nobody stopped him. He just occupied and took he killed people.

Donald Trump: “2015!”

JD Vance: “2014 to 2015.”

Donald Trump: “I was not here.”

Volodymyr Zelensky: “But during 2014 till 2022 the situation was the same, that people are been dying on the contact line. Nobody stopped him. You know that we had conversations with him, a lot of conversations, my bilateral conversation, and we signed with him. Me like a new president in 2019 I signed with him. The deal I signed with him, Macron and Merkel. We signed ceasefire, ceasefire. All of them told me that he will never go. We signed him with gas contract... but after that, he broken the ceasefire He killed our people, and he didn't exchange prisoners we signed the exchange of prisons but he didn't do it. What kind of diplomacy, JD, are you talking about. What do you mean?”

Here’s the thing: Zelenskyy can’t speak English very well. That’s obvious. And the first 90% of what he said — through broken English — was fine. And the last 10% would have been fine if he wasn’t in town to ask the Trump administration for more money!

Pro-tip, folks. If you want free money from someone, arguing with them on live television is a really bad way to get what you want.

I have no problem with Zelenskyy arguing with Vice President Vance behind closed doors. But he’s the one who threw the first punch. No, his poor English is not an excuse. No, the fact he’s at war is not an excuse. And frankly, calling the Vice President of the United States “JD” is also disrespectful.

Got it? OK. Well, here’s the flip-side to this coin.

JD Vance saw an opening to capitalize on this mistake, and boy, did he take it.

JD Vance: “I’m talking about the kind of diplomacy that’s going to end the destruction of your country… Mr. President, with respect, I think it's disrespectful for you to come to the Oval Office to try to litigate this in front of the American media. Right now, you guys are going around and forcing conscripts to the front lines because you have manpower problems. You should be thanking the president for trying to bring it into this conflict.”

Volodymyr Zelensky: “Have you ever been to Ukraine that you [can] say what problems we have? You should come once.”

JD Vance: “I've actually watched and seen the stories and I know what happens is you bring people, you bring them on a propaganda tour, Mr. President.

That’s a no, by the way.

JD Vance: “Do you disagree that you've had problems?...”

Fantastic pivot.

JD Vance: “And do you think that it's respectful to come to the Oval Office of the United States of America and attack the administration that is trying to prevent the destruction of your country?”

Volodymyr Zelensky: “[There are] a lot of questions. Let's start from the beginning. First of all, during the war, everybody has problems, even you, but you have a nice ocean [in between], and don't feel it now, but you will feel it in the future. God bless you.”

And this was his big mistake.

Was he wrong? No! Throughout modern history, the United States being thousands of miles away from any enemy has been a spectacular advantage. Why do you think the Cuban missile crisis was a crisis?

So do I think this was a threat to the United States? No. It was a statement of geopolitical fact. But also…read the room.

Donald Trump: “Don't tell us what we're going to feel. We're trying to solve a problem. Don't tell us what we're going to feel… because you're in no position to dictate that. Remember this, you're in no position to dictate what we're going to feel. We're going to feel good. We're gonna feel very good and very strong.”

VolodymyrZelensky: “You will feel the influence. I’m telling you now you will feel the influence.”

Donald Trump: “You're right now, not in a very good position. You're not in a good position. You don't have the cards right now with us.”

Volodymyr Zelensky: “I’m not playing cards right now, I’m very serious Mr President. I am a wartime president.”

Donald Trump: “You're gambling with the lives of millions of people. You're gambling with World War Three. You're gambling with World War Three, and what you're doing is very disrespectful to the country, this country, far more than a lot of people say they should.”

JD Vance: “Have you said thank you once?”

Notice how Vance spots another opportunity to fan the flames.

Volodymyr Zelensky: “A lot of times. Even today.”

JD Vance: “You went to Pennsylvania and campaigned for the opposition in October, offer some words of appreciation to the United States of America and the president who's trying to save your country.”

Again…

Volodymyr Zelensky: “Please. You think that if you will speak very loudly about the war…”

Donald Trump: “He‘s not speaking loudly. Your country is in big trouble. Wait a minute. No, no, you‘ve done a lot of talking. Your country is in big trouble. You‘re not winning. You‘re not winning this. You have a damn good chance of coming out, okay Because of us.

Volodymyr Zelensky: “I know… We are staying strong in our country. From the very beginning of the war, we‘ve been alone, and we are thankful. I said thanks in this cabinet.”

Donald Trump: “You haven’t been alone. We gave you, through the stupid president, $350 billion. We gave you military equipment. You and your men are brave, but they had to use our military [equipment.] If you didn‘t have our military equipment this war would have been over in two weeks.

Volodymyr Zelensky: “In three days. Yes, I heard it from Putin ‘in three days’…. in two weeks.”

Donald Trump: “Maybe less… It‘s going to be a very hard thing to do business like this, I tell you.”

JD Vance: “Just say thank you, accept that there are disagreements, and let's go litigate those disagreements rather than trying to fight it out of the American media, when you're wrong, we know that you're wrong.”

Volodymyr Zelensky: “I said it a lot of times to the American people.”

Donald Trump: “I think it’s important for the American people to see what’s going on. That's why I kept this going so long [to Zelensky]. You have to be thankful you don‘t have the cards. Your people are dying. You‘re running low on soldiers... Then you tell us. I don‘t want a ceasefire. I don‘t want a ceasefire… I look, if you could get a ceasefire right now, I tell you, you take it. So the bullets stop flying and your men stop getting killed…

…That wasn‘t with me. That was with a guy named Biden who was not a smart person. That was with Obama. Excuse me? That was with Obama, who gave you sheets and I gave you javelins. Yes. I gave you the javelins to take out all those tanks. Obama gave you sheets. In fact, the statement is Obama gave sheets and Trump gave javelins. You got to be more thankful because let me tell you, you don‘t have the cards with us. You have the cards, but without us you don‘t have any cards.”

Reporter: “What if Russia breaks peace talks? What do you do then?”

Donald Trump: “What are you saying?”

JD Vance: “She‘s asking what if Russia breaks the cease fire?”

Donald Trump: “What if anything? What if a bomb drops on your head right now? Okay, what if they broke it? I don‘t know. They broke it with Biden because Biden didn‘t respect him. They didn‘t respect Obama. They respect me. Let me tell you, Putin went through a hell of a lot with me. He went through a phony witch hunt where they used him and Russia, Russia, Russia, Russia ... You ever hear of that deal? That was a phony. That was a phony Hunter Biden, Joe Biden scam. Hillary Clinton, shifty Adam Schiff, it was a Democrat scam. And he had to go through that. And he did go through it. We didn‘t end up in a war. And he went through it. He was accused of all that stuff. He had nothing to do with it. It came out of Hunter Biden‘s bathroom. It came out of Hunter Biden‘s bedroom. It was disgusting. And then they said, oh, oh, the laptop from hell was made by Russia. The 51 agents The whole thing was a scam. And he had to put up with that. He was being accused of all that stuff. All I can say is this: he might have broken deals with Obama and Bush, and he might have broken them with Biden. He did maybe, maybe he didn‘t. I don‘t know what happened, but he didn‘t break them with me. He wants to make a deal…

…The problem is I've empowered you to be a tough guy, and I don't think you'd be a tough guy without the United States. And your people are very brave, but you're either going to make a deal or we're out, and if we're out, you'll fight it out. I don't think it's going to be pretty, but you'll fight it out, but you don't have the cards, but once we sign that deal you're in a much better position. But you're not acting at all thankful and that's not a nice thing, I'll be honest. That's not a nice thing… All right. I think we‘ve seen enough…

“This is going to be great television. I will say that.”

And that’s the problem: sure, this makes great television. Does it make good policy? F*** no.

Read the transcript again. Beneath all the anger and the emotion and the spittle, it’s an example of JD Vance’s lawyer-esque mastery of taking a moment of conflict and setting the stage in the most advantageous way possible for him, and no, I don’t mean that as a compliment.